Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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