Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
