I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Found the puke drawer
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
