her vagine was all disorganized.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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