I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
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theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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