I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize