your room smells of hookers.
And success
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Randomize