So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
