So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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