I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
