its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
sarcasm needs its own font
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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