I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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