Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
