So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
