so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
