Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
