Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
