and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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