But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
