My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
