Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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