So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
