First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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