I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Randomize
