She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
