The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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