Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
