So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
