Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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