the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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