I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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