if i can run in heels then i can drive
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
