She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
