My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
