Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
