i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
