In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
