They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
