I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
