Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
