It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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