Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
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