is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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