I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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