do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.