You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire