We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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