Well douche your snatch and let's go!
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
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I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
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Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.