just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
