If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
