if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
nutella sex= disaster
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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