it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
