i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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