next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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