I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
