i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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