Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
