i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
