I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
There r osticjed everywhere
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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