my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
