Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
