I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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